Passionate Parenting

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You are here  : Home What Parents Want Comic Relief Pre-Parenting Test
Pre-Parenting Test Print E-mail
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN

Test 1: Preparation

Women

To prepare for pregnancy:
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men

To prepare for children:
1. Go to a local chemist, give the contents of your wallet to the pharmacist.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel with a newborn baby:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of
tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms
hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the sexy Audi. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a Walk

Wait. Go out the front door. Come back in again. Go out. Come back in
again. Go out again.

Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for five minutes.

Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand
until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to
try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old their veggies

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of mashed veggies and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the veggies are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor.

Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make?
To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a dead fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there. Tidy up. Then, repeat, empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there. Tidy up. Repeat 5 times.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4
years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready
to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children.
ENJOY!!
 

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Our clients said....

I applaud your efforts to organise parenting workshops, it's certainly a very worthy initiative. I … see it as one of the most important preventative steps a community can make towards safeguarding and optimizing the well-being of children. Katherine Fortier, Child Psychologist, Regular Guest Speaker 2007 - 2009.
The information presented went beyond my expectations. More than informative, it was very practical. Ana Marja
Another great seminar, clear, practical, professional. It was excellent! Dr Sue Southwood, UK
If you feel lost in a new country, get together with other expat families and share the experience of growing up among worlds. Make a happy childhood for TCKs (Third Culture Kids). I have enjoyed Passionate Parenting!Sunyoung Yang, Korea
I was highly impressed by the Parenting seminars I attended. They were very informitive and helpful. Would have loved them to be a bit longer to get even more but there was no time! Looking forward to the next ones coming up.Adriana Volenikova

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