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Parenting Newsletter (2010) by Angela Hutchison –
Parenting Skills Coach, Cape Town, SA.
Hello All
I was having a conversation the other day with a woman who is a parent herself. And she was telling me about her wedding and how having a wedding day was particularly unimportant to her. But it was particularly important to her mother. And so she had one, for her mother’s sake. Because it was neither here nor there for her. And it got me thinking. Do I want my children growing up and acting in ways to make me feel better? How many people do not know where their needs and desires end and their parents needs and desires begin? How many grown up people can't separate themselves from their parents' expectations?
And so this month I thought I would tackle one aspect of ensuring emotional well-being in our children, for themselves.
“Our responsibility is not to our children’s happiness, it is to their character”
Haim Ginott, the educational psychologist, said this back in the 70’s and it is still as profound today. Mainly because if many of us look deep down we fundamentally believe that in order to be a “good” parent, we have to make our children’s lives easy and comfortable and get them back into a “happy” zone as quickly as possible. And if we don’t make their lives easy and comfortable then we are in fact not being “good” parents. Think about that for a second.
Of course we do need to nurture our children, but we need to consider something - nurture and control are two sides of the same coin. We are there to nurture and care for our children, but if we take that nurture a step too far, if we cross the line, we can become controlling and overprotective. And that can be incredibly disempowering for our children. And can take away their independence and their autonomy.
I often think of parents as mirrors – we are there to reflect our children back to themselves. To be the people who let them see themselves entirely. To be the people who allow them their disappointments, their frustrations, their hardships, as well as their excitement, their passion, their good times. To be the people who make it ok for them to be them, without them feeling “oh boy, she’s trying to make me feel better again. I am never really allowed to be the real me, I always need to put on a show and a brave face”.
Isn’t a “good” parent a parent who allows a child to be safe with being themselves, comfortable with being themselves and who teaches them how to manage their feelings appropriately, not avoid them by finding other things to do or play with or think about or eat?
Emotional well-being is being able to know your emotions and manage them. It is not about having a happy look on your face so that your parents don’t feel uncomfortable with your feelings. Otherwise, what is the child learning? To look happy around mom or dad because that is what they expect. And they develop deep-seated guilt if they feel responsible for not being able to look happy all the time.
Yes, we want our children to be socially capable and fit into society. But in our company, children should feel safe enough to be who they are – without criticism or judgement or having to be something someone else expects.
The challenge then is to be the mirror to your child, rather than the rescuer. Not a light challenge.
Re-published with permission of Angela Huchison
Contact details: H: +27 (0)21 761 9514 M: +27 (0)82 829 4552
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